Hi… I feel stuck. Stuck in a rut. Weighed down and heavy.
I know this feeling will pass but right now I’m wallowing and I don’t like it.
I need to change my language, the words I’m using with myself, be more kind. I wouldn’t talk to my friends the way I talk to myself *lol* I have not been blogging, I have been sporadic, again, with the changes I’m making in my lifestyle. I don’t feel proud when I look in the mirror. I feel cold and lethargic, so I’ve just been sitting outside in the sunshine for a bit, wrapped in a fluffy blanket like one of those daft old ladies in woolly coats on a hot summer’s day.
I’m not going to get in my bikini today.
I’ve not replaced the batteries in my scales so I don’t know what I weigh and I’ve not measured myself. I feel like a two year old having a tantrum.
I feel like I’m sat in a stagnant pool I’ve made.. the energy is blocked. I know what I need to do to get it flowing again but I have so many fears.. This is why I’m struggling with food at the moment. I knew eating more raw would be hard, that emotions would surface. And they are. And despite knowing how eating well will give me the insight and the energy to push through these and get my life sorted out I decide to eat stuff that dulls me instead… I’m feeling push/pull all the time and as a result am now standing still. Again.
What am I scared of?
I’m scared of all the debt I’ve accumulated since separating from husband, of how to handle it.
I’m scared of never being able to improve my life and touch other people’s – to make a difference.
I’m scared I won’t ever be succesful as I don’t stay focussed, don’t complete.
I’m scared that I STILL am not making any money.
I’m scared that I’ll never be rid of my old baby belly or have clear skin and baring myself on here will have been pointless.
I’m scared of loving someone and of being loved.
I’m scared of rejection.
I’m scared of being an awful parent.
I’m scared I’m not good enough.
I could probably go on. But I won’t (YAY I hear you say lmao). I’m not saying this stuff to hear people tell me different, I’m just offloading, giving my fears a voice so I can look at them and acknowledge them. From stuff I’ve read, I guess they are there as part of me wants to protect me. These fears are based on beliefs that helped me somehow at some point – whether for a moment, or a period of time. They don’t help me now. But they are still there so I guess I have to hear them and (this gets a bit woo woo) thank them for looking out for me but I’m ready to make new beliefs now that serve me, a 38 year old woman ffs, not a scared girl, teen, young mother, discarded lover.
I am feeling a strong urge to just bare everything about myself. My biggest secrets. My greatest fears. As what will follow will be my biggest dreams, and greatest achievements 
My family will think I’m mad – I did this once before on a blog, when I was raw from hearing my husband finally confess his infidelity – a year after it had happened. I was persuaded to remove that post… I wish I hadn’t. It was real, it was me and the process was very cathartic and evoked strong reactions in several people. If anyone has a copy let me know – I’ll put it back up again 
I keep getting asked why my marriage failed.. and as I am starting to think about dating again this issue is coming up more and more and so, well, I’m simply going to say it on here. Now.