That’s what it feels like to me right now. That I have to dare myself to date again.
Why is it such a challenge? Why do all my insecurities immediately surface within hours of making the decision to put myself out there?
Ok, let me backtrack a bit.
On Saturday I decided that I was feeling great and asked myself; “What is it I’m not doing to really feel like I’m living my life fully?”
That’s what I’m not doing and gawd I LOVE kissing *goes off into a snogging dream world for a moment…* Of course, locking lips with the back of one’s own hand is not exactly a satisfying experience – not even when I was practising for my first kiss as a pre-teen. Yes, I can still remember that far back you cheeky eejit!
So armed with fresh thoughts of unbridled
lust longing I asked myself how to get back in the dating game.
I’m not particularly clever with this conundrum. The last time I seriously dated was when I was a teenager, before meeting my ex-husband who I was then with for 17 years. I came out of that relationship and got stuck into a 3D Virtual World as a way of escaping real life and holding onto some kind of sanity and ended up meeting three men via that. Two were ‘one weekend stands’ and sadly, just not right for me. Then I tried Plenty Of Fish and went on a date with a lovely guy that let me video the experience for my blog, but again, spark wasn’t there for me.
I then met up with the third man from the online world and had a largely long distance relationship with him for a year and a half. We learned a lot from being with each other and I thank him for being the amazing person that he is but it just wasn’t meant to be.
So I took the decision to end things with him early last Summer and focus on my life for a bit. To take time to discover what I really want which led to a series of amazing events and me now leading a nomadic, minimalist life with no fixed abode. Ermm… kind of like a posh vagrant.
And no kissing action occurring either.
I always need time on my own after the end of a relationship to reflect on things, figure out what I need to learn in an effort to not repeat the same old shit. I guess this can make me a bit intense but I don’t like staying in that state. It feels too heavy after a while and, at my heart, I’m Light.
My only experience of it in the past 22 years has been via some online medium, so that is what I turned to on Saturday. It makes logical sense doesn’t it? Go to where there are people saying, “Hi! I want to meet someone!”
Now, I’m not exactly flush with cash at the moment (read: broke), so I turned to the free sites. PlentyOfFish.com (POF) and another one that a lovely lady told me about via Facebook – OKCupid.com – this one weeds out the people with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder, in case you’re not as au fait with the term as my sister, Nicola), as it seems to have a 1001 questions and lots of blank white space where you have to think up something witty to write about yourself (read: agonising).
So I started with POF. Got up and running quickly and spent far too long perusing what was ‘on offer’. Ok I lost my entire weekend to dating websites! Hahhaaha.
Total immersion is the state I’m in when I’m researching things. Unfortunately my ego really loved this ‘project’ as there were men who seemed to be interested in me, which meant I kept the site open in the background and had a compulsion to keep checking my inbox far too frequently.
I was in danger of getting RSI.
After a few hours of POF though, I was getting distinctly disheartened.
Positive thing was, I’d gotten over my fear of rejection and actually sent a couple of messages to make initial contact.
Downside was the plethora of men who either tried to talk to me in text speak (wtf!), couldn’t string a proper sentence together, were Mr Derek Dull from Dullsville, or were asking for sexual chats.
I was courteous and replied to them all. Ok maybe some of the replies weren’t very polite but still, I replied…
There was one person who stood out for me. He made me laugh. A lot.
It turned out he was pretty damn clever too, as well as being easy on the eye. I decided I’d quite like to get to know him a bit better and took the plunge to share who I really was and then of course, it slipped out about this blog. He went and took a look.
Now, from a professional point of view, this blog is a nightmare. It doesn’t link to my social pages, the design is dated and doesn’t work. It doesn’t capture emails or offer a product or service. SEO is poor. The navigation is shite and well… I stop and start with posting on it.
Seeing as he is in the internet business, I knew he’d be assessing all that in a heartbeat. *Gulp*. I also knew that, he will of course read the content next and, even worse, probably watch a video or two. *Groan*.
Cue: FEAR and INSECURITY
I suddenly saw my life from how a complete stranger maybe sees it. A 41 year old woman, who has given up her home, her children to the care of their Dad, owns nothing more than what she carries in a suitcase, who has vague ideas about what she wants to do but doesn’t seem to be doing anything much at all at the moment. Who hasn’t got her finger out to make any money, who’s living on the edge a bit really. Who’s relying on friends and family to help her out. Who says she’s happy but how can she be? She sounds like a bit of a hippy. A spiritual seeking, skiving, nutter who lost the plot a while ago.
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit and double shit
And then I suddenly saw why I was having such a hard time with the dating sites. Most of the men on there were working 9-5, looking for someone to watch tv and drink wine with them. To settle down.
I’d just completely uprooted my entire life. I don’t want to settle. I want to live my life, laugh like a loon, splash in puddles, cry with all my heart, dance until I sweat then dance some more. Face my fears.
But I do want a man in my life. Someone who will see who I really am and still love me. Who will hold me close, where I will feel safe to be, want to be. Who will indulge my curiosity, encourage my passions, pull my hair when I’m being a stupid tit. Be strong, be who he really is without bending too much to my will. Who will grow with me, inspire me, make love with me.
I don’t need a man to complete me. That is my job.
But I can’t give myself the intimacy that another can give me. That is what I want, the icing on my imperfect cake.
Who would want me right now though?
So I’ve decided to suspend my online dating accounts and go back to working on myself. Top priority is to meet my current business commitments and set into motion my ideas for earning a crust. Earn a regular income that is enough for me to live how I want, to travel where I want, to go out where and when I want. To meet new people naturally, eat great food, move my body daily, stay connected to love.
Then, I guess, when I’m ready and radiating everything that’s great in my life.. that kiss will happen.
It’s worth waiting for.
And I know that hiding again isn’t exactly facing my fears. But when I feel ready to try once more, when my craving to reach out and share a touch with someone else reaches unbearable proportions, I will share my story with you. Maybe you’ll know just the right thing to say that will help me.