After my first emotional experience of tantric massage I wasn’t sure about continuing my Tantric journey but decided I had to stop being such a chicken and go for my second tantra massage.
And keep an open mind about it.
I mused… Maybe I’ll feel differently as, with any luck, I won’t be in my head all the time worrying about stuff.
The reason for my reticence is that I’m not clear on what I’m hoping to get out of it. Maybe I’ll talk to Michelle about it later but right now I’m thinking I’d be happy to do the meditations and yoga exercises she guides me through but the physical touch, I’d prefer to do to myself. Maybe I need to explore ‘why’ that is. Hmm.
Then this happened…
Well, my daily yoga and breathing exercises plus avoiding clitoral orgasm for several days seemed to have certainly helped. I found it much easier to stay out of my mind and in my body and allow myself to enjoy the massage.
This time when I arrived, we had a chat about how I was finding my homework and any changes I’d noticed and how I was feeling about stuff.
After all the hoo har in my head earlier in the day, I didn’t really open the subject of “Why am I doing this?” Instead I decided I wanted to focus on staying open to anything that may happen and keep the mental goings-on to a minimum.
Yabba Dabba Dooo
Michelle asked me to disrobe and dress in a sarong — when she came back in the room, we both had a good laugh at me looking like one of the Flintstones.
We then sat cross legged facing each other, I closed my eyes, took three deep belly breaths to help ground myself in the here and now and she then guided me through a meditation to have a chat with my yoni.
I must confess I did become a bit American gangsta in my head, using phrases like ‘Yo there yoni!” and wanted to giggle but I managed to pull my focus back and when Michelle asked me to ask what my yoni wants, ‘she’ immediately said ‘Love’.
My mind of course was saying “Uh, well THAT is a bit obvious, surely she must want something else, c’mon luv, what is it you really want?” My yoni was calm and clear and just said Love again. So I had to shut my mind up and direct it to listen to what Michelle was saying now.
Michelle was also saying to send love to my yoni — I guess the old Y has been feeling a bit separate from the rest of me, a bit Me vs Her, so I allowed myself to become fully present and fill her up. Energetically speaking. She liked that.
The Tantric Massage
Michelle then asked me to lay down and she unwrapped me from the sarong — I did get a mental image of me being a burrito having my foil wrap removed. Don’t ask me why. At least it made me smile.
Then, I allowed myself to drift away in this great gift of touch. Intimate and sensual but not sexual. I fully relaxed my mind and body and really felt my energy moving through me. It was… Liberating. Delicious. Empowering.
Turning over on to my back I suddenly realised that in the last session I had been feeling ashamed of myself. The reason this popped into my head is because I was feeling NO SHAME this time. I hadn’t even felt a compulsion to apologise for my hirsute appearance pretty much everywhere (waxing is booked in for next week, honest).
I was feeling my feminine power
Towards the end, Michelle was stroking from the soles of my feet, up my legs, across my yoni, abdomen, breasts, neck, face, to the crown of my head and I just felt filled with pure golden light. I had the sudden visual that I had become the image of a Hindu golden statue, which I enjoyed immensely. It felt a bit odd talking about that afterwards, but that’s what happened!
Maybe I don’t need to have all the answers
I’m glad I had such a positive, relaxed experience this time. Michelle had said right at the start of this tantric journey that each time would be different, to suspend judgement and just be in the moment.
I’d gone into my second tantric healing session today fully expecting it to be my last one. I was not sure about my Why. I was asking myself, ‘What’s the point?’.
Now I can answer.
To drop my shame, to lift my limitations, challenge my self beliefs, face my fears. To shed what is no longer needed, what no longer serves me.
Revel in, and reveal, who I really am.
I’ll probably do at least one more session. Something happened during mine today that chipped away at a gnarly lump of jealousy I was clutching hold of — like an unwanted gall stone. A presence that had built up over time due to choices and reactions I’d made in the past.
What I experienced has somehow made it smaller. Easier to pass out of my system maybe? I quite like the analogy. I know I’m not 100% there yet but wow, I can’t believe how insignificant it is now compared to just two weeks ago. At that time I would have described it as a hoofing great boulder bigger than a house. Insurmountable.
However I can’t wait to be at the stage where I’ll be exploring tantra and sharing energy with a significant other. Sharing this gift of touch with a man I’m in love with.
Loving myself in the meantime, is a mighty fine space to be in. And I’m more than grateful for the experience.